My True Self

I Got There

I was speaking with my daughter Maya recently. I mentioned to her that I came into my full self when I was 65. She replied, at least you got there. True that.

Some may not understand what I mean by my true self. For decades I buried painful memories of being raped when I was twelve. That horrific event evoked emotional responses that interfered with my day-to-day life in a myriad of negative ways. My transition from childhood smashed, my path to adulthood, corrupted. I was beset with a bushel of troubles.  

A constellation of symptoms of PTSD mangled my very being. All the while this tremendous negative influence remained hidden; it unconsciously acted on, and deformed, every aspect of my being.

When horrific memories emerged when I was 63 it hit me like a freight train. Several months of PTSD symptoms (crying, depression, anxiety) demolished my well-being. The spark that released the buried memories was that my twin daughters had just turned twelve.  

My daughters and family gave life-saving love and support during this crisis that enabled me to weather the storm. I feel that there have been three elements crucial to my healing, the support of my family, participation in SNAP support groups, and work with a marvelous and amazing therapist. Each element provide a foundation for my healing and enabled me to emerge as my true self.

It has been a difficult road coming from being beset by miseries to being on a path of healing. Instead of burying horrific memories, I now face them. I was able to incorporate them as part of who I am, the good experiences, and the most painful memories. No longer will I have past trauma decide my future. 

Like the butterfly emerging from the chrysalis, I could now determine my life. No longer will I have the past determine my future. I got there.

I became my true self.

April 9, 2020